Sparks fly
Ignites excitement -Overtakes the fear of getting burnt
Thursday, 22 October 2009
A Minute's Silence (11/11/2008)
Stillness feels uneasy and somewhat strange
Independence seemed non-existent for so long
Life is so precious yet so much is lost
England unites, but at what cost?
Need to remember all whom were there
Calm and serenity leaves rooms feeling bare
Ending - it’s over, the weight lifted and relief. So many people gone now due to one mans belief.
Independence seemed non-existent for so long
Life is so precious yet so much is lost
England unites, but at what cost?
Need to remember all whom were there
Calm and serenity leaves rooms feeling bare
Ending - it’s over, the weight lifted and relief. So many people gone now due to one mans belief.
A Pledge To A Teenager
I’m not pretty - I hear you say
When you look in the mirror
During the day
I look at you and what do I see
A lovely young woman looking at me
Shining straight hair with magic lights
Skin silky smooth on beautiful limbs
Almond shaped eyes blue as Mediterranean sky
A smile that’s lights up your face, even when you are shy
Treasure your beauty my grand daughter so rare
Don’t let me hear you saying that ‘it is not fair’
‘I’m not pretty, my legs are so fat, my bum’s too big’
You are a young beauty so don’t care a fig
What you see in the mirror is not what we all see
Enjoy your youth and beauty and just let it be
During the day
I look at you and what do I see
A lovely young woman looking at me
Shining straight hair with magic lights
Skin silky smooth on beautiful limbs
Almond shaped eyes blue as Mediterranean sky
A smile that’s lights up your face, even when you are shy
Treasure your beauty my grand daughter so rare
Don’t let me hear you saying that ‘it is not fair’
‘I’m not pretty, my legs are so fat, my bum’s too big’
You are a young beauty so don’t care a fig
What you see in the mirror is not what we all see
Enjoy your youth and beauty and just let it be
My Memory ( 22/10/2000)
To say that the event I am about to describe, is something that I will always remember, is a bit of an understatement., for it changed my life, my outlook on it and also the way in which I saw people.
“Cass you comin’ down the dance studio for a fag at lunch?”
“I aint got none, sorry!”
“Oh, that’s alright, I’ll give you two’s”
“Alright then, cheers!”
My P.E lesson ended and I made my way across the tennis courts, through the sports hall and into the girls changing rooms., surrounded by my friends. I eventually got dressed and , which was always a long process due to the amount of conversation going on. After a pretty lame attempt of trying to look reasonably presentable, I headed down towards the art block to one of the rooms that it contained, which was my tutor room. There, I dropped my bag and headed to the dance studio with my friend T. I got down there and Z was waiting for me, as arranged, with a lit cigarette in her right hand.
“Alright?!” I greeted her.
“Yeah, I skived P.E and got away with it. What do you expect?!”
“Suppose you’re right, lucky bitch!”
I didn’t know why, but all of a sudden our conversation died and Z stood in front of me but didn’t breathe a word. She wouldn’t even look at me, just focused her gaze on the floor. Observing her strange behaviour, I looked at her…..still no eye contact was made. My First instinct was to think she had ‘guilt’ written all over her face, her body language backed up my thought. I was about to ask her “What’s up?” when I heard voices, loads of them. Shouting, laughing and full of adrenaline and excitement. I looked over to my right and saw my best friend, at the time, D, leading half of Peers school. I wasn’t too sure what was going on, but I guessed D was about to have a fight or some sort of confrontation with someone, I just never imagined that, that person would be me. I then realised she was walking towards me and just stood and watched her and the heard of animals behind her. My body froze, my feet fastened to the floor. I couldn’t move!
She stopped in front of me and words began to boom out of her mouth and vibrate through my body, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. It was like my brain had failed on me and resisted translating those sounds into English. Everything was blurred. All I could see was the blurred sea of people all crowded around me and my best friends face in mine.
“Don’t be so stupid, of course I didn’t say that. You’re my best friend” I manages to stutter.
“I was” she replied, sending shivers down my spine. And with that she raised her right hand and swiped my face. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Everyone was giving her egging her on, encouraging her to humiliate me in front of my school and these strangers stood around me, half of them who I’d once regarded as me friends, but found it hard to do so now. I didn’t even know these people anymore, but from what I could tell?….. I don’t think I even wanted to!
Once again, she raised her hand and whacked my right cheek. Without even thinking about it, with my instincts getting the better of me, I yelled a mouthful of abuse, telling her to leave me alone. This seemed to infuriate her even more and for the last time, she inflicted pain upon her best friend. I lifted my head, holding back so many tears trapped behind my pride, and saw a friendly face, which at the time was overly amiable. She walked over to me ad traced her arm over my shoulders and lead me through what seemed like a never ending walk, that I can’t describe in any way apart from, traumatic. I was thrown looks of disgust, pitty and humour, by various familiar faces.
I couldn’t work out what had just happened and I found myself asking that question, that throughout your life, had become so, so familiar…… “Why me?”
I walked with T back up to my tutor room and picked up my bag and after T spending around 5 minutes telling me it was the wrong thing to do, all I could think about was getting out of what once had been my school, full of friendly faces, where I’d lead a popular lifestyle, but had now become a jail full of hounds. I walked quickly and quietly out of my school gates and started heading home. My glasses were felt loose on my face after being flung to the floor at one point during my nightmare, so I decided to stop off at the optician on the way home to get them fixed.
Those tears that I had been holding back for so long, were finally unleashed. Tears streamed down my face beyond my control. I felt dirty, humiliated, ashamed and very alone. After paying a visit to the optician, I got home and, once again, was alone. I sat and just broke down into tears again. I suddenly had felt a change in my emotions. I was no longer upset, I was furious! I began to walk around my living room, shouting hysterically. Kicking and throwing things in my path. My best friend had made me so petrified and scarred my dignity. My self esteem had hit rock bottom and it was dragging me down with it. I sat and recalled the past couple of hours that seemed like days dragging on, clinging to me and my every thought. The only way I could escape this horrible feeling was to sleep. I walked up the stairs and into my bedroom and curled up on my bed. Whilst asleep I could escape the reality I had to face. I would forget about having to face it and my school “mates” the next day. I lay on my bed and read the book. I was really into at the time. I wasn’t tired enough to sleep straight away. Reading would make me feel sleepy and allow me to slip into the world of the characters in my book and out of the real one. After reading a number of pages, I fell asleep. Only to be woken not long afterwoods by the sound of the phone , bringing me back to the cruel world in which I was living in.
“Cass, phone!”
“Who is it?”
“D” replied my brother. He must have came home whilst I was away. I took the phone, again fighting the tears that warmed my eyes like a furnace, took a deep breath and said “What do you want?” I spent the next ten minutes listening to my best friend’s attempts to apologise in the lamest possible way., trying to justify her actions. It meant nothing to me. Nothing would excuse the way she’d acted. Nothing would excuse what she’d done. Neither did it compensate for the next six months of threatening phone calls I received from her and her friends, or the abusive things I saw written about my in various places. The fear and loneliness I experienced (well, felt) Then again, nothing ever could. I felt betrayed and still very, very alone.
Apart from the visit I made the next day with my parents to talk to the Head and Deputy Head of my school to tell my story of the day before, I never went back to that school.
D was suspended. I was scarred for life.
Written by me Aged 14.
“Cass you comin’ down the dance studio for a fag at lunch?”
“I aint got none, sorry!”
“Oh, that’s alright, I’ll give you two’s”
“Alright then, cheers!”
My P.E lesson ended and I made my way across the tennis courts, through the sports hall and into the girls changing rooms., surrounded by my friends. I eventually got dressed and , which was always a long process due to the amount of conversation going on. After a pretty lame attempt of trying to look reasonably presentable, I headed down towards the art block to one of the rooms that it contained, which was my tutor room. There, I dropped my bag and headed to the dance studio with my friend T. I got down there and Z was waiting for me, as arranged, with a lit cigarette in her right hand.
“Alright?!” I greeted her.
“Yeah, I skived P.E and got away with it. What do you expect?!”
“Suppose you’re right, lucky bitch!”
I didn’t know why, but all of a sudden our conversation died and Z stood in front of me but didn’t breathe a word. She wouldn’t even look at me, just focused her gaze on the floor. Observing her strange behaviour, I looked at her…..still no eye contact was made. My First instinct was to think she had ‘guilt’ written all over her face, her body language backed up my thought. I was about to ask her “What’s up?” when I heard voices, loads of them. Shouting, laughing and full of adrenaline and excitement. I looked over to my right and saw my best friend, at the time, D, leading half of Peers school. I wasn’t too sure what was going on, but I guessed D was about to have a fight or some sort of confrontation with someone, I just never imagined that, that person would be me. I then realised she was walking towards me and just stood and watched her and the heard of animals behind her. My body froze, my feet fastened to the floor. I couldn’t move!
She stopped in front of me and words began to boom out of her mouth and vibrate through my body, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. It was like my brain had failed on me and resisted translating those sounds into English. Everything was blurred. All I could see was the blurred sea of people all crowded around me and my best friends face in mine.
“Don’t be so stupid, of course I didn’t say that. You’re my best friend” I manages to stutter.
“I was” she replied, sending shivers down my spine. And with that she raised her right hand and swiped my face. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Everyone was giving her egging her on, encouraging her to humiliate me in front of my school and these strangers stood around me, half of them who I’d once regarded as me friends, but found it hard to do so now. I didn’t even know these people anymore, but from what I could tell?….. I don’t think I even wanted to!
Once again, she raised her hand and whacked my right cheek. Without even thinking about it, with my instincts getting the better of me, I yelled a mouthful of abuse, telling her to leave me alone. This seemed to infuriate her even more and for the last time, she inflicted pain upon her best friend. I lifted my head, holding back so many tears trapped behind my pride, and saw a friendly face, which at the time was overly amiable. She walked over to me ad traced her arm over my shoulders and lead me through what seemed like a never ending walk, that I can’t describe in any way apart from, traumatic. I was thrown looks of disgust, pitty and humour, by various familiar faces.
I couldn’t work out what had just happened and I found myself asking that question, that throughout your life, had become so, so familiar…… “Why me?”
I walked with T back up to my tutor room and picked up my bag and after T spending around 5 minutes telling me it was the wrong thing to do, all I could think about was getting out of what once had been my school, full of friendly faces, where I’d lead a popular lifestyle, but had now become a jail full of hounds. I walked quickly and quietly out of my school gates and started heading home. My glasses were felt loose on my face after being flung to the floor at one point during my nightmare, so I decided to stop off at the optician on the way home to get them fixed.
Those tears that I had been holding back for so long, were finally unleashed. Tears streamed down my face beyond my control. I felt dirty, humiliated, ashamed and very alone. After paying a visit to the optician, I got home and, once again, was alone. I sat and just broke down into tears again. I suddenly had felt a change in my emotions. I was no longer upset, I was furious! I began to walk around my living room, shouting hysterically. Kicking and throwing things in my path. My best friend had made me so petrified and scarred my dignity. My self esteem had hit rock bottom and it was dragging me down with it. I sat and recalled the past couple of hours that seemed like days dragging on, clinging to me and my every thought. The only way I could escape this horrible feeling was to sleep. I walked up the stairs and into my bedroom and curled up on my bed. Whilst asleep I could escape the reality I had to face. I would forget about having to face it and my school “mates” the next day. I lay on my bed and read the book. I was really into at the time. I wasn’t tired enough to sleep straight away. Reading would make me feel sleepy and allow me to slip into the world of the characters in my book and out of the real one. After reading a number of pages, I fell asleep. Only to be woken not long afterwoods by the sound of the phone , bringing me back to the cruel world in which I was living in.
“Cass, phone!”
“Who is it?”
“D” replied my brother. He must have came home whilst I was away. I took the phone, again fighting the tears that warmed my eyes like a furnace, took a deep breath and said “What do you want?” I spent the next ten minutes listening to my best friend’s attempts to apologise in the lamest possible way., trying to justify her actions. It meant nothing to me. Nothing would excuse the way she’d acted. Nothing would excuse what she’d done. Neither did it compensate for the next six months of threatening phone calls I received from her and her friends, or the abusive things I saw written about my in various places. The fear and loneliness I experienced (well, felt) Then again, nothing ever could. I felt betrayed and still very, very alone.
Apart from the visit I made the next day with my parents to talk to the Head and Deputy Head of my school to tell my story of the day before, I never went back to that school.
D was suspended. I was scarred for life.
Written by me Aged 14.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Fear of Points Deduction After Oxford Disgrace (27/04/09)
Looks as though the topic of whether it's right to take points from a team due to the idiocy of the club's fans may need to be brought up again after yesterday.
As a loyal Oxford fan I was at the Kassam for our last game of the season. We had a capacity of 10,200, an amazing turn out for Oxford Utd and the atmosphere was fantastic! During the second half we had some absolute low life dickheads decide to run onto the pitch! One guy, who I can only describe as a disgrace to humanity, started the trend by running onto the pitch, removing his shirt and kissing the grass before jumping over the fence into the car park. Another ignoramus, obviously , somehow, decided this was a good idea and no more than about 30 seconds later, then proceeded to do the same! After a very poor performance from our stewards, being utterly useless as they stood and watched before making a lame attempt to chase after him, the players took it into their own hands, with our wonderful goalie Billy Turley, wrestling the guy to the floor!
An announcement was made shortly after, politely but firmly, asking the fans to stay off the pitch then continuing to say ’you are not in anyway helping your team’ Agreed! With just 7 minutes to go Oxford were 1-0 down, but with a low shot by James Constable from six yards, managed to equalise and as we all stood up in celebration can you guess how, then a group, of fans decided to celebrate? During yet another invasion of the pitch, one of our "fans", shockingly, decided to square up to one of the oppositions players. Northwich's boss Andy Preece, at this point had, had enough and called his team off the pitch. This angered our players somewhat and scuffles then started between our players and theirs.
An eventful match by all means, but we went on to lose 2-1.Granted, we didn't get the other results we needed from Torquey and Kiddiminster to make the play offs but we still can't help but wonder would the end result have been different? Had it not have been for these mindless idiots whom of which blatantly effected the players concentration during a vital part of a vital game, could we have ended the season with a win. OK, stuck in a "league" we don't deserve to be in, but, with our heads held high after such a great stretch over the past few months.
Our worry now is whether we will have points deducted due to the outrageous behaviour by some of our so called fans. Although I understand the logic behind deduction of points in these circumstances, I still don't feel that it's right to punish our lads and our proper fans who turn out every week to support a struggling club. I left the ground yesterday feeling incredibly disappointed but also outraged with the way these fools made us look as a club and the potential damage they could've caused.
As a loyal Oxford fan I was at the Kassam for our last game of the season. We had a capacity of 10,200, an amazing turn out for Oxford Utd and the atmosphere was fantastic! During the second half we had some absolute low life dickheads decide to run onto the pitch! One guy, who I can only describe as a disgrace to humanity, started the trend by running onto the pitch, removing his shirt and kissing the grass before jumping over the fence into the car park. Another ignoramus, obviously , somehow, decided this was a good idea and no more than about 30 seconds later, then proceeded to do the same! After a very poor performance from our stewards, being utterly useless as they stood and watched before making a lame attempt to chase after him, the players took it into their own hands, with our wonderful goalie Billy Turley, wrestling the guy to the floor!
An announcement was made shortly after, politely but firmly, asking the fans to stay off the pitch then continuing to say ’you are not in anyway helping your team’ Agreed! With just 7 minutes to go Oxford were 1-0 down, but with a low shot by James Constable from six yards, managed to equalise and as we all stood up in celebration can you guess how, then a group, of fans decided to celebrate? During yet another invasion of the pitch, one of our "fans", shockingly, decided to square up to one of the oppositions players. Northwich's boss Andy Preece, at this point had, had enough and called his team off the pitch. This angered our players somewhat and scuffles then started between our players and theirs.
An eventful match by all means, but we went on to lose 2-1.Granted, we didn't get the other results we needed from Torquey and Kiddiminster to make the play offs but we still can't help but wonder would the end result have been different? Had it not have been for these mindless idiots whom of which blatantly effected the players concentration during a vital part of a vital game, could we have ended the season with a win. OK, stuck in a "league" we don't deserve to be in, but, with our heads held high after such a great stretch over the past few months.
Our worry now is whether we will have points deducted due to the outrageous behaviour by some of our so called fans. Although I understand the logic behind deduction of points in these circumstances, I still don't feel that it's right to punish our lads and our proper fans who turn out every week to support a struggling club. I left the ground yesterday feeling incredibly disappointed but also outraged with the way these fools made us look as a club and the potential damage they could've caused.
A Beginning.......
I felt the sand sinking between my toes, so fine and soft, almost like silk. I swear there is no better feeling. I turned my attention to the sound of the sea lapping up onto the sand. The little toe of my right foot was getting wet. It felt cold, yet refreshing. I looked up. The sun was setting. When had it become dusk? It was beautiful. Orange and pink. It took my breath away. It was as though each of my senses were clicking in one by one and tuning in to what was around them. I had been here for a while, on this beach, so long in fact everyone else had left. I was alone, again. I couldn't’t quite figure out whether I was pleased or not, but thought I’d embrace it. I lowered myself onto the sand.
Earlier on the beach had been full of people; daughters hand in hand with their fathers. A loud, yet small, Spanish guy exchanged money for ice-creams; boyfriends and girlfriends lying side by side, fingers touching. It was too hot for any other kind of contact. It had been full of the sound of people playing ball games, children racing to the sea and the murmur of lazy attempts at conversation. The heat was unbearable. It was silent now and, apart from my own slow breathing and the sea, I could not hear a sound.
The temperature was just right. Warm enough, and the breeze… wow! The breeze! It was cool and sent goose pimples up my legs. But not so cold that it sent any kind of chill over my body. I lay back on the sand. It was in my hair, but I didn’t care. Right now I was at peace with myself, my surroundings and most importantly, my mind. I was bursting with emotion. It went straight to my tear ducts. It took all I had to stop that tear -that tear that had been sitting there impatiently for days- from being set free on its journey down my cheek. But my mind felt so empty. I felt like there was nothing to think about anymore, nothing to worry about - nothing to cause that horrible feeling that my heart might jump out of my chest and into my mouth. Is it possible to feel everything yet nothing at all? What’s the use in crying anymore? What’s the use in allowing that all consuming anger to take over?
Hours passed. I eventually peeled myself from the sand and reached for my shoes. It crossed my mind to slip my feet back into them, but I wanted to feel the sand between my toes for the last stretch. I walked back to, what seemed like, nowhere....
Earlier on the beach had been full of people; daughters hand in hand with their fathers. A loud, yet small, Spanish guy exchanged money for ice-creams; boyfriends and girlfriends lying side by side, fingers touching. It was too hot for any other kind of contact. It had been full of the sound of people playing ball games, children racing to the sea and the murmur of lazy attempts at conversation. The heat was unbearable. It was silent now and, apart from my own slow breathing and the sea, I could not hear a sound.
The temperature was just right. Warm enough, and the breeze… wow! The breeze! It was cool and sent goose pimples up my legs. But not so cold that it sent any kind of chill over my body. I lay back on the sand. It was in my hair, but I didn’t care. Right now I was at peace with myself, my surroundings and most importantly, my mind. I was bursting with emotion. It went straight to my tear ducts. It took all I had to stop that tear -that tear that had been sitting there impatiently for days- from being set free on its journey down my cheek. But my mind felt so empty. I felt like there was nothing to think about anymore, nothing to worry about - nothing to cause that horrible feeling that my heart might jump out of my chest and into my mouth. Is it possible to feel everything yet nothing at all? What’s the use in crying anymore? What’s the use in allowing that all consuming anger to take over?
Hours passed. I eventually peeled myself from the sand and reached for my shoes. It crossed my mind to slip my feet back into them, but I wanted to feel the sand between my toes for the last stretch. I walked back to, what seemed like, nowhere....
Some Things I find, Simply, Incomprehendable!
I am reading ‘The God Delusion’ by Richard Dawkins at the moment and it is constantly leaving me fascinated! Finding out how religion originated, how it’s spread and evolved throughout different societies and different countries throughout the world. Why it originated, why did it catch on in such an immense way and spread so rapidly and why it is still so prominent in today’s societies after, literally, thousands of years. The fascination is never ending !
I would like to think I keep a relatively open mind when it comes to peoples beliefs and that I also respect them, but there are some things about some religions, on some scales that literally infuriate me! I read the following and wanted to share this, as I believe it to be simply vile and outrageous!
* …… whether true or not , it is widely believed, no doubt because it is entirely typical of utterances by evangelical clergy. The website that says the Katrina story is untrue (www.snopes.com/Katrina/satire/Robertson.asp) also quotes Robertson as saying, of an earlier gay pride march in Orlando, Florida, ‘I would warn Orlando that you’re right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you.’
I don't feel there is much more to say, as Dawkins says it all with such precision. But, it really is beyond my comprehension that anyone (in particular groups of people whom claim to be all loving and all excepting) can be so full of bias and venom. It's nothing short of inhumane!
I would like to think I keep a relatively open mind when it comes to peoples beliefs and that I also respect them, but there are some things about some religions, on some scales that literally infuriate me! I read the following and wanted to share this, as I believe it to be simply vile and outrageous!
“…..when I interviewed for television the Reverend Michael Bray, a prominent American anti-abortion activist, I asked him why evangelical Christians were so obsessed with the private sexual inclinations such as homosexuality, which didn’t interfere with anybody else’s life. His reply invoked something like self-defence. Innocent citizens are at risk of becoming collateral damage when God chooses to strike a town with a natural disaster because it houses sinners. In 2005, the fine city of New Orleans was catastrophically flooded in the aftermath of a hurricane, Katrina. The Reverend Pat Robinson, one of America’s best- known televangelists and a former presidential candidate, was reported as blaming the hurricane on a lesbian comedian who happened to live in New Orleans. * You’d think that an omnipotent God would adopt a slightly more targeted approach to zapping sinners; a judicious heart attack, perhaps, rather than the wholesale destruction of an entire city just because it happened to be the domicile of one lesbian comedian…..”
“……By the way, what presumptuous egocentricity to believe that earth-shaking event, on the scale at which a god (or a tectonic plate) might operate, must always have a human connection. Why should a divine being, with creation and eternity on his mind, care a fig for petty human malefactions? We humans give ourselves such airs, even aggrandizing out poky little ‘sins’ to the level of cosmic significance.”
* …… whether true or not , it is widely believed, no doubt because it is entirely typical of utterances by evangelical clergy. The website that says the Katrina story is untrue (www.snopes.com/Katrina/satire/Robertson.asp) also quotes Robertson as saying, of an earlier gay pride march in Orlando, Florida, ‘I would warn Orlando that you’re right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you.’
I don't feel there is much more to say, as Dawkins says it all with such precision. But, it really is beyond my comprehension that anyone (in particular groups of people whom claim to be all loving and all excepting) can be so full of bias and venom. It's nothing short of inhumane!
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